A good friend once told me, weeks before Madison was born, “nothing anyone will say can prepare you for what you are about to go through.” This good friend is also a mother of three and someone I look up to and let me tell you she was correct. 

Madison entered the world on Monday, May 3, 2021 at 12:58 AM after starting my induction on Saturday, May 1, 2021 at 5:45 PM. Needless to say Daniel and I were exhausted but the adrenaline of holding our sweet girl kept us awake for hours. Around 5:30 AM, we started to rest when the nurses came in and said they had to move us to postpartum. We were exhausted, Daniel was sleeping, and the last thing we wanted to do was pack up our bags and move. I have no idea what time we finally got settled into our new room. I have no idea when I got some sleep. The one thing I did know is I wanted to go home. We had already been there for three days. Due to COVID, they did Madison’s discharge testing when she was 24 hours old. Unfortunately, she had very high levels of jaundice and we were going to be staying at least another 24 hours for her phototherapy. It was hard to let her sleep a few rooms away but we could see her whenever we wanted. They also let us feed her every 3 hours so we cherished those few minutes we had. During her phototherapy, we tried to sleep as much as possible. Fortunately, for Daniel, the week prior to us being induced our hospital lifted the restriction of dads needing to stay there so Daniel was able to go home when needed and more importantly bring me real coffee. Visitors were still not allowed, however, we enjoyed the time adjusting to becoming a family of three. On Wednesday morning we were finally cleared to go home and I was so excited to take a warm shower, sleep in my own bed, and not leave the house. Little did I know the struggle I was about to face with my new identity called motherhood. 

My first Sunday as a mom happened to Mothers Day and let me tell you it did not feel like Mothers Day at all. I felt like an awful mother because everyone sent me lovely messages asking me how special the day was for me. To be honest, I didn’t feel like a mother. I was still high on the adrenaline of giving birth, being in a hospital for most of the week, trying to navigate breastfeeding and feeding myself. I didn’t shower. I didn’t change. I forced myself to take a selfie late that Sunday evening just to have a photo of my first official Mothers Day. When I finally opened up to someone and said it didn’t feel like Mothers Day there response was “that’s weird.” I was heartbroken and felt even worse especially since this comment came from a mother of two. What I didn’t realize at the time was this was the day I started to struggle with my new identity. 

Here is that first Mothers Day photo I forced myself to take at 9:28 PM

Daniel went back to work the following week and worked long days. I was home alone with a newborn baby, a 6 month old puppy, and my overthinking brain. As happy as I was to be a mother, I also had the following thoughts: “Maybe I was not ready.”, “I do not feel like your mother, sweet girl.” Between baby talk and puppy talk I was losing my mind and needed to find some balance. Needless to say, this made me feel even worse because I felt like I should be enjoying this time instead of trying to find a new routine. I had no appetite and what I ate I felt bad about eating because I was breastfeeding. I had no energy to breastfeed or pump, I was just giving her formula. I thought breastfeeding was important to Daniel so I was trying to at least pump. Due to her high jaundice levels, we started supplementing and exclusively pumping so we could monitor her food intake to ensure she was getting healthier and eating enough. About two weeks in, it was clear I was exhausted, I was not happy and a lot of the stress and anxiety I was feeling was related to pumping and breast feeding her. I knew if I was going to be the best mother I could to our sweet girl, I needed to remove what was stressing me out and giving me anxiety. Once I decided to exclusively formula feed I felt so much better. 

Week three approached and I started to dive into my work emails and check in with my colleagues. They thought I was crazy and tried so hard to get me to log off. I knew I needed adult interaction. Even for a few minutes a day, I needed something other than “goo goo ga ga” talk and “Stop Theodore!” talk. I wanted to talk about something unrelated to this new journey I was on and feel ‘normal.’ Which didn’t make me feel better about being a new mother either. I struggled silently for a few weeks. Daniel, my mother, my family & friends would check in on me religiously and my response was always the same “Overall, doing great. She is an easy baby so I am lucky.” In reality, I was struggling and I knew it. I just didn’t quite exactly know how I was struggling or what I needed really at the time.  As I started to slowly talk about how I was feeling, I started to figure out what I really needed. 

As our sweet girl turned one month old and we entered month two of this journey, I started to accept what I was feeling and more importantly realized that what my friend told me while pregnant was true. There is no preparation for the adjustment into parenthood. The adjustment period is different for everyone but if I could offer any advice that helped me it would be these three things:

  1. Have no expectations – I realized we decide before/during pregnancy how we are going to eat while pregnant, raise our baby, feed our baby, how our birth is going to go, etc… For me I was going to workout my entire pregnancy, eat right, and deliver our sweet girl via c-section. In reality it went like this… I had to stop working out due to my back problems, I ate mainly carbs/sweets and my family and friends (unknowingly) made me feel awful about wanting a c-section, when they did not even know why I wanted to have one. The c-section story is for another post. Moral of my journey is setting expectations puts unnecessary pressure on yourself. We do not know what tomorrow brings and there is no need to add any stress to an already crazy season of life. 
  2. It’s okay to not be okay – The adjustment period is just that, an adjustment. We all adjust differently and being responsible for a little human takes on a whole new meaning of adjustment and responsibility. Take your time and that leads me to number 3…
  3. Do what makes you happy – I started to realize that in order for me to be the best mom I could be to our sweet girl, I needed to do what makes me happy. This looks differently for everyone. This is why I logged into work occasionally, shopped when I wanted, took a walk, worked out (after my doctors cleared me). Do whatever makes you happy!

As maternity leave comes to an end this week I am feeling ready and excited to create a routine and really enjoy this next season of life with our sweet girl. What did you learn from your maternity leave and navigating this season of life as a first time mom?